/** *********************************************************************** * ************************************************************************ * The Non-Sequitur Express * News and views about variegated stuff * Published weekly, or more frequently, or whenever Phil gets around to it * * Volume 1, Issue 2: Friday 15 October 1999 * ************************************************************************ * ********************************************************************* */ In this issue: UPCOMING: FoxKids, Voyager NEW SERIES: Blaster's Universe, Rescue Heroes, Weird-Ohs, and more NEW EPISODE: Spider-man Unlimited: Worlds Apart OLD MOVIE: Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie plus Legalese, acknowledgements and opt-in (new! new!) instructions /** *********************************************************************** * Upcoming * Series, Seasons, Episodes, Movies * ********************************************************************* */ On FoxKids Saturday, 16 October: SHERLOCK HOLMES IN THE 22ND CENTURY, episode 105, 08:00 (animated + cgi) GODZILLA: THE SERIES, episode 205, 08:30 (animated) XYBER 9: NEW DAWN, episode 105, 09:30 (animated + cgi) SPIDER-MAN UNLIMITED, episode 103, 10:00 (animated) BEAST MACHINES TRANSFORMERS, episode 105, 11:00 (cgi) BIG GUY AND RUSTY THE BOY ROBOT, episode 105, 11:30 (animated) Upcoming episodes of STAR TREK VOYAGER: Parallax 103 f 1015-1900 Their first space anomaly. r Tinker tenor doctor spy 604 z 1016-1800 Doc gets to be captain. The chute 303 m 1018-1900 Harry, Tom in alien prison. Distant origin 323 t 1019-1900 Dinos left Earth 20My ago. Demon 424 w 1020-1900 Alien slime copies crew. * Alice 605 w 1020-2100 Shuttle seduces Paris. Thirty days 509 r 1021-1900 Crew sleeps, Seven runs the ship. Gravity 513 f 1022-1900 Time-accelerated sinkhole. r Alice 605 z 1023-1900 Ibid. Phage 104 m 1025-1900 Neelix's lungs are stolen. Heroes and demons 111 t 1026-1900 Doc meets Beowulf. Course: oblivion 518 w 1027-1900 The ship and crew go slimy. /** *********************************************************************** * New Series * ROUGHNECKS: STARSHIP TROOPER CHRONICLES * Premiered 30 August 1999 * Distributed by BKN * Philadelphia: weekdays 15:00, on channel WGTW-48 (independent) * ********************************************************************* */ 1. Premise 2. Analysis 3. Production 4. Episodes thus far aired Blaster's Universe CBS Saturday 10:30 (new) TV-Y7 In the future, Earth still isn't aware of aliens -- except for one boy, Blaster, who meets Omega girl "GC." They build a robot dog, Mel, and have educational adventures defeating over-the-top galactic villians like The Number Cruncher. Based on the series of educational software of the same name. Animated, 30 minutes. Rescue Heroes CBS Saturday 11:00 (new) TV-Y7 "Thunderbirds" meet Fisher Price. The ethnically-mixed eponymous heroes (Jake Justice, Ariel Flyer, Rocky Canyon, Billy Blazes, Wendy Waters and Cliff Hanger) respond to any call, be it an out-of-control speedboat or a Central American village flooded by El Nino -- and embody helpful moral lessons while doing so. If this were SF, I'd say the team's male members looked like high-gravity-adapted heavyworlders -- square, hefty, huge feet. They and their blunt-cornered vehicles look exactly like the toy line. Animated, 30 minutes. Flying Rhino Junior High CBS Saturday 11:30 (returning) TY-Y7 The principal's a rhinoceros, the school cook's a pig, there's a villian in the basement with a talking rat sidekick and the students are human. Wacky and sometimes educational adventures ensue. Animated, 30 minutes. New Tales from the Cryptkeeper CBS Saturday 12:00 (returning) TV-Y7 Scary things happen to bad kids to teach them lessons. The eponymous Cryptkeeper (less cadaverous and more green than his live-action puppet incarnation) cackles the moral of each episode, just in case the "boils and ghouls" in the audience missed it. Animated, 30 minutes. Mythic Warriors: Guardians of the Legend CBS Saturday 12:30 (new) The classic Greek myths retold. Last week, Ulysses returns to Ithaca after 20 years. Animated, 30 minutes. Weird-Ohs Fox Family Saturday 12:00 (new) In Weirdville, everyone is hot rod-crazy; even the baby carriages have engines. The kids hang out at a diner shaped like a chicken, in a desert shaped like a "Roadrunner" background lofted into 3D. The characters have huge eyes, giant mouths and spidly limbs, and stretch and bend in ultra- exagerrated "squash and stretch" style. CGI, 2 15-minute segments per episode. /** *********************************************************************** * New Episode * SPIDER-MAN UNLIMITED * Episode 1: Worlds Apart, Part 1, 2 October 1999 * Episode 2: Worlds Apart, Part 1, 9 October 1999 * Avi Arad, Will Meugniot * Story by Michael Reaves & Will Meugniot, story editor Michael Reeves * * Series premiered 2 October 1999 * Distributed by FoxKids Network * Philadelphia: Saturdays 10:00, on channel WTXF-29 FOX * ********************************************************************* */ 1. Synopsis Photographer PETER PARKER and publisher JONAH JAMESON of _The Daily Bugle_ are attending a prelaunch conference given by Jameson's son, space shuttle astronaut COL.JAMES JAMESON. Sometime earlier, the Elita-One probe sent through a new orbiting WARP RING had discovered a hidden Earthlike world exactly opposite in Earth's orbit (promptly dubbed COUNTER-EARTH), and Jameson's commanding the first crewed mission to it. Parker notices two suspicious figures, who pause at the foot of the launch gantry and dissolve into piles of black and red goo. It's VENOM and CARNAGE, two shapeshifters evolved from an alien goop once used by Parker as his costume. Moments later the SOLARIS ONE is taking off, and SPIDERMAN manages to climb the gantry and lasso it. Then he almost slides off the starboard solid rocket booster. Then he has a fight with Venom and Carnage, who claim they're in search of "THE SYNOPTIC". Then he falls off and they tear off a hatch to enter the ship. Then the world listens as Jameson and co-pilot go "AAAUURGH!" as they're engulfed with black goo. Noticing Spiderman (and his web parachute), Jameson naturally blames him. Things are bad for the webcrawler for the next week, though he can't resist the siren call of public service. Then some masonry fortuitously falls on his head and he fakes his own death. Back at their strangely roomy apartment, Peter and MARY JANE ("Tyger" and "MJ") have a heart-to-heart, and he wonders if he finally has an excuse to give up the mantle. Then the TV news relays a brief message from Col.Jameson, who warns that Counter-Earth must be stopped. Six months later, the Solaris Two mission is ready to launch. Peter Parker (special photojournalist placed there by Jameson) slinks away and activates his new nanotech-based costume (borrowed from RAY RICHARDS), then stows aboard the vacant shuttle (convincing a hovering NICK FURY of the supranational law enforcement organization S.H.I.E.L.D. that he has to clear his good name). Spiderman launches, then transmits a message explaining his motives (and adds a comment from Parker to explain his absence). He enters the warp gate. Reappearing above Counter-Earth, the shuttle's captured by a tractor beam. Spiderman's angled retro evasions merely lead to a fatal approach trajectory towards a city of skyscrapers, from which he's saved by four flying robots, who announce he's under arrest by authority of LORD TYGER and THE HIGH EVOLUTIONARY. He announces his name and flees. He's pursued by four humanoids on flying pink robosteeds who finally corner him politely (because with a name like that, he might be a "BESTIAL") and chivalrously introduce themselves: THE KNIGHTS OF WUNDERGOR, consisting of the aforementioned Lord Tyger, LADY URSULA, LADY VERMIN and SIR RAM (respectively, a humaniform tiger, bear, rat and ram). "To paraphrase John Paul Johns, I have not yet begun to flee!" he quips, bouncing through the airborne traffic, noticing all the pilots are animals. "What is this, the Manhattan Island of Doctor Moreau?" Down on the surface, he finds normal humans crammed into slums. Then he's captured. Then he's brought to a lab, where the image of the aforementioned head-honcho, the High Evolutionary, exhorts them to penetrate his suit and discover his identity -- which Sir Ram is all-too-ready to do with a whirring pizza- cutter... TO BE CONTINUED. ... Still on the slab, Spiderman gets the obligatory villian justification speech. Fleeing the human propensity for violence, the alien eventually to be known as the High Evolutionary arrives on Counter-Earth, but discovers only more of the same. Frustrated, he spends 50 years in his "grand experiment" of creating the Bestials and reforming the planet with them at the top. Spidey breaks his bonds and escapes Sir Ram's lab, to be met by the Human Revolution outside. They evade the Knights and take him to their lair to meet their leader -- none other than Col.Jameson, who demands proof that this is the genuine article (since he's changed his costume). In the background, Lady Vermin (who has a crush on Spiderman) trails them. Meanwhile, a couple of bestial dock guards notice a submarine. It surfaces, and Carnage and Venom ooze out, infecting them with spores of the Synoptic. (Their chests instantly grow mole tunnel-like ridges, splitting their shirts.) The symbiotes are playing a double game -- the High Evolutionary wants them to find Spiderman, but doesn't realize they're also working for the Synoptic. Revolution HQ is suddenly invaded by rappelling bestials -- Jameson identifies them as the High Evolutionary's Enforcers, but in fact they're all Synoptic infectees. One of the revolutionaries (apparently an animate pile of mummy wrappings) unravels and escapes through the grilled flooring. Venom and Carnage wrestle Spidey, who activates the "anti-symbiote devices" alluded to last episode -- high-intensity sonics that not only drive the two back into the drain, but also cure all the bestials. Jameson insists the base has been compromised and the bestial prisoners must be killed. Spiderman stops him (on humanitarian grounds) with the argument that Lady Vermin and the symbiotes already know where it is, and the Revolution has to evacuate. Jameson reluctantly agrees, but BROMLEY (an explosives maniac with a British accent who lost his family) storms off in a huff. Outside, they try to convince Spiderman to join the Revolution, because he's the only human on the planet not tagged with a subdural tracking chip. He refuses -- he came to rescue Jameson and nothing else -- but they give him some clothes so he can blend in and evaluate the society himself. Shortly afterward, an aircar collides with an enforcer robot, which malfunctions and prepares to zap a young boy playing in the street. Peter Parker stops it but burns his hands. The boy's mother, DR.NAOKO YAMADA- JONES, bandages them and (at her son's urging) allows Parker to board in their spare room, two weeks for free, until he finds a job. 2. Analysis Some of the problems are scientific. Some are with the story logic. Some of them are relevant to new viewers not familiar with Spiderman or the larger context of Marvel Comics superheroes. 1. There are good gravitational reasons why a "Counter-Earth" is unlikely. 2. What sort of exploratory mission has only two crewmembers? 3a. He manages to *stick* to an accelerating space shuttle? 3b. He manages to *stand* on the shuttle? 3c. He manages to *fight* on the shuttle? This is pushing superhero physics a bit far. 4. Venom and Carnage tear open a hatch to enter the Solaris One, but moments earlier they'd demonstrated how they could ooze under the skin of the SRB. 5. Tearing open a hatch on a rising shuttle should cause all sorts of aerodynamic havoc. 6. Parker bemoans his failure, that "John Jameson's alone in his spaceship!" Is he discounting Jamison's female copilot? 7. Who is Ray Richards, and why does he have advanced nanotech? 8. Who is Nick Fury, and why is he lurking around the Solaris Two? 9. Peter Parker picked up shuttle-piloting skills in just six months? 10. The best plan he can think of to clear his name involves *stealing* a multibillion-dollar spacecraft? 11. The steeds of the Knights are *pink*. 3. Production If "Spider-Man Unlimited" is connected to the prior series, "Spider-man" (1995-?), Marvel Productions (the comic company's animation arm) is not making it obvious. Not only have the voice actors and character designs changed, but so has the animation crew -- SMU seems to use the group that did "X-Men" (1992-98). Their (inferior, IMHO) style involves clashing fauvist colors with solid black blobs on the shadowed sides of objects. I dunno, maybe the former group is off doing "Sherlock Holmes." /** *********************************************************************** * Old Movie * TURBO: A POWER RANGERS MOVIE * 1997 * ********************************************************************* */ 1. Synopsis The evil, capricious and corseted space pirate DIVATOX wishes to wed the demon MALIGOR, but needs the Golden Key held by the alien wizard LARIGOT to penetrate the Nemesis Triangle and reach the Lost Island of Murantheus where he is imprisoned, but Larigot escapes to Africa, on Earth. With her submarine and lieutenants ELGAR and the other weird blue guy, she teleports after him. Over in the B-plot, KAT (the Pink Ranger) is chaperoning a busload of kids (including JUSTIN) from the Little Angels Heaven youth shelter to see the practice rounds of a charity martial arts competition. If competitors TOMMY and ROCKY (undercover White and Blue Rangers) win, $25,000 goes to the shelter; but the overenthusiastic teen jumps right out of the ring, injuring his neck. Later, Justin sneaks into the comatose Rocky's private hospital room, but hides under the bed when his four teammates arrive. ALPHA detects Larigot's arrival and calls in the Rangers; Justin watches as they teleport out, realizing who they really are. ZORDON dispatches Tommy and Kat to retrieve the wizard, for he cannot withstand the intensity of Earth's sun for long. Meanwhile, Divatox's minions capture two humans, pure of spirit, to sacrifice to Maligor. She's none-too-pleased with their choice (comedy-relief police officers BULKMEIER and SKULAVITCH) but fortunately alternate candidates are scuba-diving nearby; to wit, the former Rangers SCOTT (red) and KIMBERLY (pink). Divatox still needs Larigot and the Golden Wand, but she has four bargaining chips: Scott, Kim, and Larigot's WIFE and infant SON. She promises an exchange, but reneges on the deal. Their current fleet of Zeozords are apparently insufficient for the coming trials, so the Rangers take a few minutes to create some new "Turbomorphers" and "Turbozords" that use "turbotechnology" and combine to form the most powerful Zord ever, the "Turbomegazord." ADAM gets green Desert Thunder, Kat white Wind Chaser, TANIA yellow Dune Star, and Tommy Red Lightning. The blue Mountain Blaster remains stabled while Rocky is sidelined. But not for long, because Zordon quickly appoints Justin to the position. The preteen is just tickled pink (err, blue) by the cool toys. Zordon dispatches them across the Great Desert to ride the Ghost Galleon across the sea to the Nemesis Triangle. Both their Zords and the ship are undetectable, but they're perfectly visible, and Divatox releases four monsters to delay them. They all reach Murantheus, and board their Zords just before her torpedoes sink the galleon. Meanwhile, Kim and Tommy have forced a hatch (helped not at all by their brain-scrambled gibberish- spouting fellow bilge-mates Bulk and Skull) and three prisoners swim free, but Tommy's blocked by an emergency hatch. Then the Rangers meet the natives. Kim is recaptured. Divatox begins the ceremony to awaken Maligor, the Rangers morph into their new costumes and fight through the foot soldiers, but fail to prevent Kim and Tommy from being transmogrified to evil. Then bad former Rangers beat up the good current Rangers, then get talked out of their mood-swing. Then Maligor arises and he doesn't seem interested in marrying Divatox. Everyone runs outside. Maligor gets big, the Rangers combine into the Turbomegazord, much stomping over tropical vegetation ensues, and Maligor goes BOOM. Divatox runs away. In B-plot land, the white-suited good guys defeat their black-suited opponents in the tournament. The shelter gets the money. Everyone lives happily ever after. The end. Ho hum. /** *********************************************************************** * Legalese * Acknowledgments * Opt-in Instructions * ********************************************************************* */ All books, movies, television shows, toys and other creative works reviewed or analyzed herein are the property of their respective copyright holders. No infringement is expressed, implied or intended. The original reviews and analyses are themselves copyright 1999 by Phillip Thorne. If not for the existence of television shows, some of them good, others really really bad, Phillip would be forced to fill this newsletter with something else. You're receiving this newsletter because you're a friend, former classmate and/or former or current coworker of Phillip Thorne. Since I didn't receive any opt-out emails after the last issue, it's possible you all enjoyed it and WANT MORE. It's also possible you didn't actually *receive* the first issue because, despite entering all your email addresses into the cc: field last week, I notice that none of them are attached to the copy of the message in my Sent folder. Anyone who also wants the first issue, please ask. In any case, I've decided it's better to invert the polarity: if you actively *want* to receive issues Three and later, send an email message to pethorne@earthlink.net with the words "SUBSCRIBE NON-SEQUITUR" or 'subscribe nonsequitur' in the subject line and/or body. Once again, formatting doesn't matter -- what, you think I'd bother with automation when the distribution list is ten names long? /** *********************************************************************** * ************************************************************************ * The Non-Sequitur Express * Volume 1, Issue 2: Friday 15 October 1999 * Copyright 1999 Phillip Thorne * ************************************************************************ * ********************************************************************* */