/** ************************************************************************ *** ************************************************************************ *** The Non-Sequitur Express *** "What's that you're hacking off? Is it my torso? It is!" * *** Published at fortnightly or random intervals by Phillip Thorne *** http://nsx.underbase.org/ *** *** Volume 2, Issue 22: Tuesday, 29 August 2000 *** ************************************************************************ *** ********************************************************************** */ OBSERVATIONS & C: Star Wars Technical Commentaries, Leela the murderer. ERRATA & O+A+A: Missing symbols and repeats. BOOK ANALYSIS: Harry Potter. UPCOMING: TV premieres, and the usual. plus Legalese, acknowledgements and opt-in/out instructions. /** ************************************************************************ *** OBSERVATIONS & COGITATIONS *** ********************************************************************** */ In the "Star Wars Technical Commentaries" website (www.theforce.net/swtc/), part of "Star Wars" fan megasite theforce.net, author Curtis Saxton applies physical heuristics and photogrammetric techniques to the "Star Wars" films to establish that the dimensions in the WEG-published RPG (West End Games, Role-Playing Game) sourcebooks are often gross underestimates. For instance, Darth Vader's dagger- shaped Super Star Destroyer _Executor_ is some 17km long, not 8 (he asserts); and the Death Star MkII is 900km in diameter, not 160. He also analyzes what he dubs "the Ewok Holocaust." Basically, no matter how you fudge your estimates, the explosion of the second Death Star above the forested "sanctuary moon" Endor at the end of "Return of the Jedi" would amount to a "dinosaur killer"-class planetary disaster. Gigaton metallic impactors throwing dust into the sky; vaporized metal condensing and carbon wreckage combusting in the atmosphere; debris (tossed into hyperspace by misfiring engines) colliding with Endor's mass shadow. The Rebel Alliance fleet couldn't possibly deflect more than a fraction of the high-velocity flotsam (enough to save their victory celebration, perhaps), so aside from whatever Ewoks they evacuated, or were already off-planet, the species-and-culture are very probably now dead; as dead as a sick Bantha after meeting a Jawa sandcrawler with golf cleats. * Today's quote is from the second segment of "Futurama" season 2 finale, "Anthology of Interest I," in which Prof.Farnsworth's What-If machine simulates the hypothetical situation of an impulsive Leela. She murders everyone -- which is quite possibly what her possible-namesake, the female Sevateem warrior Leela of "Doctor Who" (the one in the stitched-hide Tarzan getup, with the knife) would do -- in this case Jamaican office manager Hermes Conrad, after he confronts her with the "video will" that shows her kicking Farnsworth into his pit of man- eating anteaters. Of course, an anteater has a highly specialized tiny mouth that couldn't very well tear into a human (especially one as beef- jerky-dried as the Professor), a mouth at the end of a pointy nose-like snout -- a snout not to be confused with the episode of "Tiny Toons Adventures" featuring an elephant with his toothy mouth on the end of his trunk. That was freaky, and I don't know if it was intentional, or if the key animator had never actually looked at a pachyderm, or if he merely had a sudden brain failure. /** ************************************************************************ *** ERRATA & OMISSIONS, ADDENDA & ADMISSIONS *** ********************************************************************** */ Issue 2.21's Upcoming omitted the "Fsc" symbol for the 25-aug "Farscape" episode, "The Locket." I've been listing early-a.m. repeat-slots for MoviePlex's Thursday anime features, but my VCR hasn't found them twice; I suspect tv.excite.com has incorrect information. /** ************************************************************************ *** BOOK ANALYSIS *** Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (1997, 309pp softback) *** Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (1998, 251pp softback) *** Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (1999, 317pp softback) *** Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (2000, 734pp hardback) *** By J.K.Rowling *** ********************************************************************** */ These days I'm mostly a consumer of hard-SF and space opera, but I've read my share of fantasy: "The Chronicles of Narnia" by C.S.Lewis, "The Prydain Chronicles" by Lloyd Alexander, the "So You Want to Be a Wizard" trilogy by Diane Duane. What I sorely miss in many of the SF titles is a simple, engaging story; likeable characters surrounded by fun props, who aren't rushing to save the entire universe from destruction. (If they keep civil, non-vulgar tongues in their heads, that's a plus too.) The "Harry Potter" books by British author J.K.Rowling fit the bill nicely -- if they're wildly popular, it's for good reason, says I. In each of the three books I've read thus far, she always manages to catch me with at least one surprising twist; but the stories aren't whodunnits, since they don't actually include all the essential clues. In these scenes, the villians *do* have a melodramatic tendency to justify themselves to their supposed victims, but they always have a good reason to be getting it off their chests. The twists usually include revelations about Harry's late parents. Rowling clearly planned at least the rudiments of a story arc; e.g. Sirius Black's motorcycle appears in the earliest pages of book 1, and in 3 he himself returns from Azkaban Prison (mentioned in 2). Harry's Hogwarts classmate Cho Chang appears briefly as a Quidditch player in 3, and becomes a romantic interest in 4. (But seriously: it's *obvious* that he's going to eventually rediscover Hermione, and recapitulate his parents' romance: wizard-born boy meets muggle-born girl, both of uncommon talent.) In Rowling's usage, "Wizard" and "witch" appear to be simply the masculine and feminine forms of "magic user;" there's one mention of warlocks, but none of mages. Magical aptitude runs in families, but it also crops up in ordinary "muggle" children. Like most every other set of special talents in fiction (telepaths in "Babylon 5," the psionically Talented of Anne McCaffrey's "Pegasus" books and dragonriders of her "Pern" series, the mutants of Marvel's "X-Men"), it appears in a minority of the population, and some institutional mechanism exists to seek them out. For a prospective (and/or unsuspecting) British wizard, there's no greater honor than to receive a letter (delivered by owl) on your eleventh birthday, offering admission to the millenium-old Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, somewhere in the north of England, above a lake in which dwells a giant squid. Quidditch is the most popular competitive team sport in the wizarding world. Two teams of seven members each play using four enchanted balls; there are time-outs but no periods; three distinct strategies operate concurrently. In the first, the three Chasers try to knock the large Quaffle into one of the opposing team's three hoops, guarded by a Keeper; doing so wins ten points. Second, the single Seeker searches for the Snitch, a one-inch winged golden ball that travels erratically; catching it wins an extra 150 points and terminates gameplay. Finally, everyone is continually distracted by the two Bludgers, hard rubber balls that attempt to knock players down; the team's two Beaters work to deflect the Bludgers away from their own side and towards the opposing team. Oh, almost forgot -- the hoops are fifty feet in the air, and all fourteen players (plus the referee) are flying broomsticks. Simple enough in theory -- but since the Snitch can be exceedingly elusive, professional games sometimes continue for weeks, with substitutes repeatedly swapped out. /** ************************************************************************ *** UPCOMING *** Series, Seasons, Episodes, Movies, Books *** ********************************************************************** */ HEADS UP... The following dates and times for new, returning and vanishing fall (and summer) TV series were obtained from fox.com, thewb.com, and upn.com. Fox's site doesn't include premiere dates; perhaps they haven't been decided. "Earth Final Conflict" and "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" appear on wphl-17-wb because their distributor, Tribune Broadcasting, is a Partner to WB. Asterisks indicate a syndicated series; your local channel may schedule the show elsewhere in its lineup. If you liked the PBS import "Robot Wars" you'll probably like Comedy Central's new "Battlebots." New series premieres: Inv The Invisible Man (series) live SF SFC f-09-jun-20:00 Inv The Invisible Man (series) live SF synd z-24-jun-20:00 * BB Baby Blues (series) cel sitcom WB f-28-jul-20:00 Battlebots (series) live game Com w-30-aug-22:30 And Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda (series) live SF synd m-02-oct * Dark Angel (series) live SF Fox t-03-oct Freedom (series) live SF UPN f-27-oct-20:00 Level 9 (series) live SpecFic UPN f-27-oct-21:00 Freakylinks (series) live horror Fox f- -20:00 Returning series season premieres: SG1 StarGate SG-1 (season 4) live SF Sho f-30-jun-22:00 Lex Lexx: The Series (season 3) live SF SFC f-18-aug-22:00 Fsc Farscape ???(season 3) live SF SFC f-25-aug-21:00 PJs The PJs (moves from Fox) clay sitcom WB s-10-sep-20:30 Buf Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 5) live fantasy WB t-26-sep-20:00 Ang Angel (season 2) live fantasy WB t-26-sep-21:00 Ros Roswell (season 2) live SF WB m-02-oct Vgr Star Trek Voyager (season 7) live SF UPN w-04-oct-21:00 Chm Charmed (season 3) live fantasy WB r-05-oct 7D 7 Days (season 3) live SF UPN w-11-oct-20:00 EFC GR's Earth: Final Conflict (season 4) live SF synd z- - * SG1 StarGate SG-1 (season 3) live SF synd z- - * Fut Futurama (season 3) cel SF-com Fox s- -19:00 King of the Hill (season ?) cel sitcom Fox s- -19:30 Sim The Simpsons (season 12) cel sitcom Fox s- -20:00 XF The X-Files (season 8) live horror Fox s- -21:00 Mid-Season Replacements: The Lone Gunmen (series backup) live SF Fox FGy Family Guy (season 3? backup) cel sitcom Fox The Tick (series backup) cel SF-com Fox Dead Last (series backup) live hor-com WB The Oblongs (series backup) cel surreal WB Cancellations: SAM Secret Agent Man live SpecFic UPN f-21:00 Dil Dilbert cel sitcom UPN t-20:30 BB Baby Blues (probably) cel sitcom WB f-20:00 PRIMETIME ETC. PROGRAMMING... r Buf Where the Wild Things Are 418 14 wb t 0829-2000 r Ang The Prodigal 115 14 wb t 0829-2100 r 7D Brother, Can You Spare a Bomb? 218 pg upn w 0830-2000 r Vgr Live Fast and Prosper 942/??? pg upn w 0830-2100 mov Patlabor 2: the Movie (1993, 120min) -- plx r 0831-1900 f 0901-0310 r BB Hurtin' Inside 225201 pg wb f 0901-2000 r BB Bitterman Hillbillies 225057 pg wb f 0901-2030 r SAM Sleepers 108 pg upn f 0901-2100 * SG1 Beneath the Surface 410 pg sho f 0901-2200 Inv (pre'mp'd) sfc f 0901-2000 Fsc (pre'mp'd) sfc f 0901-2100 Lex (pre'mp'd) sfc f 0901-2200 r EFC Time Bomb 317 pg 17 z 0902-1600 s 0910-2330 r SG1 Message in a Bottle 207 pg 29 z 0902-1700 s 0910-0400 r Vgr Future's End, part 2 851/??? pg upn z 0902-1900 * Inv The Other Invisible Man 111 -- 48 z 0902-2000 r Fut Mother's Day 214 14 fox s 0903-1900 r Inv Pilot (120min) 101 -- sfc s 0903-1900 r Sim Faith Off 1106 pg fox s 0903-2000 r XF Closure 711 14 fox s 0903-2100 r Inv The Catevari 102 -- sfc s 0903-2100 r Buf New Moon Rising 419 14 wb t 0905-2000 r Ang Sanctuary 119 14 wb t 0905-2100 r 7D X-35 Needs Changing 217 pg upn w 0906-2000 r Vgr Muse 944/??? pg upn w 0906-2100 r SAM Uncle S.A.M. 109 pg upn f 0908-2100 * SG1 Point of No Return 411 pg sho f 0908-2200 r BB Rodney Moves In 225051 pg wb f 0908-2000 r EFC Apparition 319 pg 17 z 0909-1600 s 0917-2330 r SG1 Family 208 pg 29 z 0909-1700 s 0917-0400 r Vgr Muse 944/??? pg upn z 0909-1800 r Inv Ralph 103 -- 48 z 0909-2000 r Vgr Warlord 852/??? pg upn z 0909-2300 abc wpvi-6, cbs kyw-3, fox wtxf-29, ind wgtw-48, ind wfmz-69, nbc wcau-10, pbs whyy-12, pbs wybe-35, upn wpsg-57, wb wphl-17; plx MoviePlex, sfc Sci-Fi Channel, sho Showtime, tnt is TNT, ton Cartoon Network. 7D 7 Days, Ang Angel, B5 Babylon 5, BB Baby Blues, Buf Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Chm Charmed, EFC Earth: Final Conflict, Fsc Farscape, Fut Futurama, Inv The Invisible Man, Lex Lexx, SAM Secret Agent Man, SG1 StarGate SG-1, Sim Simpsons, Smy Sammy, TNG Star Trek: The Next Generation, Vgr Star Trek: Voyager, XF The X-Files. STRIPPED SF... Star Trek: The Next Generation Weeknights (Tue,Thu,Fri) 21:00 1 hour, TV-PG, WFMZ-69 Hide and Q 111 t 0829 Q hijacks Riker's ethics with Q-powers. Too Short a Season 112 w 0830 Anti-aging adm. hijacks Picard's trust. The Big Goodbye 113 r 0831 Malfing holodeck hijacks Picard. Datalore 114 f 0901 Data's brother hijacks his identity. Angel One 115 t 0905 Alien women hijack hearts of shipwreckees. 11001001 116 w 0906 Bynars hijack, distract Riker on h'deck. Home Soil 117 r 0907 Terraforming, microbrain hijacks ship. When the Bough Breaks 118 f 0908 Cloaked planet hijacks kids. Babylon 5 Weekdays and Saturdays 06:00 1 hour, TV-PG, TNT Rising Star 421 m 0828 Aftermath of war against Earth. The Deconstruction of Falling Stars 29 Vignettes of the future. No Compromises 502 w 0830 Sheridan inaug'd, new Cpt.Lochley. The Very Long Night of Lon.. 503 r 0831 Londo argues with his conscience. The Paragon of Animals 504 f 0901 Bunch o' telepaths. A View from the Gallery 505 z 0902 Janitors comment during attack. /** ************************************************************************ *** Legalese *** Acknowledgments *** Opt-in/out Instructions *** ********************************************************************** */ The set of creative works herein reviewed and analyzed, including the subset {books, movies, TV shows, toys}, are the property of their respective copyright holders. No infringement or endorsement is expressed, implied or intended. The original reviews and analyses are themselves copyright 2000 by Phillip Thorne. Certain data has been obtained and aggregated from, repeatedly and in particular: Excite tv.excite.com United Paramount Network upn.com Fox Televsion fox.com The WB thewb.com If you're receiving this newsletter, you've probably intentionally subscribed to it. Or possibly you've procrastinated in subscribing and I'm sending it to you anyway. Or maybe you're a family member and I'm demonstrating that I'm still alive. In any case, to cancel your subscription, send an email message to pethorne@earthlink.net with the words "UNSUBSCRIBE NON-SEQUITUR" in the subject line and/or body. Capitalization and punctuation don't matter, since I'm doing this all manually. /** ************************************************************************ *** ************************************************************************ *** The Non-Sequitur Express *** http://nsx.underbase.org/ *** Volume 2, Issue 22: Tuesday, 29 August 2000 *** Copyright 1999-2000 Phillip Thorne, pethorne@earthlink.net *** ************************************************************************ *** ********************************************************************** */